irony and the average hipster

It was only a matter of time....

After recently writing about the hate crime in my neighborhood, and titling my post with the "n" word, I knew some feathers somewhere would be ruffled. I'd braced myself for vitrolic emails back, calling me a racist and worse, but none came. I relaxed.

Last weekend, however, I got wind that someone was indeed offended by my "n" word title. According to my source, the offended person understood that I meant no harm but still refrained from forwarding my blog to a black friend. Ouch!

Now there are two knee-jerk reactions to this news. My peace-loving, nonconfrontational side (I would say "the feminine," but I'm not ready for any more flak on matters of political correctness) would immediately change the title, deleting the "n" word forever from my blog. Conversely, the rebellious provocateur in me (the aggression-craving male?) would dig in her heels and never submit to self-censorship.

Fortunately, I'm getting too old to be jerking my knees around--very unyogic, to say the least. So I've been rolling this dilemma around in my head and pondering why indeed I felt compelled to use the "n" word. And this is what I found, thematically categorized for clarity (my own):

a. Provocation

I'd be lying if I didn't fess up to being a provocateur. If my therapist were here, she would contribute something about my need for attention due to a solitary upbringing, an emotionally-absent father, etc. etc., but she got laid off as part of the Katrina downsizing. Since we no longer have a paid professional on staff, I'll have to pinch-hit. Despite my tough demeanor (!), I'm actually a burning tangle of emotions. I am easily provoked--although I don't always show it--and feel that indignation should be shared. Like a chocolate truffle cake--if I were to eat the whole thing, I'd get sick. Therefore, you have some, too.

When I heard what happened to our neighbor, I was pissed. And when I wrote about it, I was still pissed. Pissed enough to provoke my readers with the "n" word? Perhaps so.

b. Absurdity

In this day and age, the idea that someone would leave a note telling a "nigger" to leave the neighborhood seems absurd to me. Please don't write in telling me that racism is alive and well--I know, I know. Still, it's absurd. We all have racist thoughts from time to time, across the board--but to be so uncouth as to call names, and to be so cowardly as to leave it in a note--well, that's just silly. I thought I'd exemplify this silliness by titling the blog "niggaz in the hood," as if this were news to anyone.

c. Linguistic Discrimination and Forbidden Fruit

As a writer, it angers me that some words are off-limits. Granted, many fewer words are off-limits to me as a female in the 21st century than would have been fifty or even twenty years ago, but that makes it even more tempting to use the few bad words left. I'm not talking about curse words, which have become paler and paler as time goes on--hell, you can practically say "shit" and "fuck" at the damn dentist's office these days--but about more specifically-hurtful words, such as faggot or nigger or chinaman or hebe.

Let me say that as a kind-hearted, well-meaning soul, I want to hurt no one. Let me also say that as a writer, these words fascinate me to no end. Imagine yourself a painter who could use all the colors except the ones at the ends of the spectrum. Wouldn't you be dying to paint a sun in infared, even if you risked blinding some of your viewers? Or a filmmaker who wasn't allowed to tape inside a prison? Wouldn't that be the first place you'd want to roll film?

As well, I wonder if I could get away with using the "n" word if I were black. Or, perhaps I'd get even more flak by denigrating (an interesting term, no?) my people. It's a moot point, though, since the darkest I can pass for is Irish, and only with a black dye-job.

d. Semantics

On an intellectual level, I wonder if "nigger" could be redefined in our lifetime. I know some black folks use it as a term of endearment to each other, rendering the word harmless. I like the idea of having an explosive word available to channel supreme anger at someone deserving of it. Regardless of color. Examples could include: "Those niggers at FEMA still haven't sent my check." Or, "That fucking nigger in the white house is going to be the death of us all." (Political messages free of charge.)

Emotionally, though, I doubt this would happen, as I know the "n" word still carries such an emotional charge of hate. It's because of niggers like the person who's been tormenting my black neighbor that keep this word powerful. And it's a crime, because even though the "n" word is just a word that could be defined any old way, the hate is real.

In sum...

I fear this blog belies my English-school past. Ah, well. And I also fear that my exploration of this word might alienate more readers, especially black ones. Hope it doesn't, because I'd love nothing more to hear back from readers of all colors interested in this issue. I've invested several hours of my life so far trying to figure this all out and hope it comes to some good.

I also wonder if not sending my blog to black friends because of my using the "n" word isn't a sort of racism in and of itself. It's a considerate racism, not wanting anyone's feelings to be hurt, but it's denying them a chance to sound off on the issue. Then again, deliberately sending my blog to black friends for the sole reason of their blackness could be defined at racism, too. Which goes to show that the more I write, the more confused I get. And with that in mind, I"m signing off.