the truth of the union address

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen:

It is my sincerest honor to have this opportunity to discuss the state of our great, great nation. I am proud to be your correspondent during these trying times. As I reap no glory nor financial reimbursement for my words, you can be assured that I—unlike our Commander in Chief—have no motivation to gloss over the truth.

Last night, Mr. Bush emphasized our need to finish what we started in Iraq, so that the American loss of life will not have been in vain. He used many stirring phrases to remind us of the importance of liberty for all peoples, and even showcased the grieving family members of a deceased soldier. I feel for that family, and all military families everywhere, for their path holds a difficult choice: embrace a lie or confront a heaving anger. Cindy Sheehan, the peace activist, is a spokesperson for anger, the inconceivable anger of losing a child to war. How much easier it would be for her to believe in the cause, to believe that losing her child was not only a duty, but an honor. But this is not what she chose, and whether or not we agree with her, it is clear that her zealousness reflects the pain of losing faith. The military family in last night’s presidential audience opted instead to nobly accept their sacrifice as a necessary part of history. Is it patriotism or simply a coping mechanism? You make the call.

“Peace does not come from retreat,” our president stated in his defense of our continued military presence in Iraq. Now I admit that I have never gone to war, nor do I have the physical prowess of a soldier, but I do know a few things about conflict and peace. If you don’t believe me, please visit my home while Bob and I are fighting. I’ll spare you the grim details of our arguments—which certainly could rival anything that occurs in the Middle East—but know this: we have never once achieved peace without retreat. At some point during the exchange of angry offense and resentful defense, one of us invariably retreats. We choke back the next insult, take a deep breath, and swallow our ego. We admit that maybe we were at fault. We vow that next time, we’ll communicate better or drink less or be more reasonable. We say that we’re sorry, that we made a mistake.

So for the president to make such a claim—that retreat is not a part of the peace process—he is not only miseducating the American people and sending the wrong message to other warring nations, but proving something that I’ve long suspected. Either his marriage to Laura is only a political prop, or more frighteningly, one of them is an emotionless cyborg. (Take note of his steady, beady eyes, my friends: take note.)

To find the truth, not only do we have to examine what is said, but also what is left unsaid. Many commentators have pointed out what our president did not include in his speech: any mention of an exit strategy for leaving Iraq. I appreciate this omission, because it was the most truthful part of his speech. My fellow Americans, we are staying in Iraq indefinitely, as our policy requires that we make that country as secure and safe as a suburban gas station.

I was heartened to hear our president admit to our nation’s oil addiction and promote development of ethanol technology. As a native of a corn-producing state, I fully support turning “yellow gold” into automotive fuel. However, this fuel also has its limits. Because harvesting corn depletes soil of its nutrients faster than any other crop, we could easily create a Dust Bowl of the 21st Century if we started guzzling corn juice the way we drink oil. If we were to suck our own land dry, we may have to expand our agricultural empire. Watch out, Mexico!

Although the president made mention of other fuel alternatives, such as switchgrass (?), he neglected to include the hardworking Americans who run their cars off of vegetable oil. True, most of these Americans are found in “hippie states” such as California and Vermont, but this technology can easily spread to Red states also. My in-house engineering department (namely, Bob) reminds us that vegetable oil is the perfect fuel because it perpetuates its own supply. As they run, veggie cars smell like the fuel they burn, which encourages consumers to dine on fried foods. Thus, the fuel source is replenished. So let’s use the fat-laden American diet to our advantage! And when we Americans start getting too large to fit into our cars, we will have to get out and walk, the most fuel-efficient transportation mode of all.

Speaking of fuel production, I would like to move my focus to the Gulf Coast. Many of us affected by Hurricane Katrina were using the president’s speech as a barometer for his devotion to our region. A three- or four-minute deliberation of the Gulf Coast situation would have certainly heartened the good folks here who have already suffered so much. But the truth is often found in the delivery, and we only got a passing mention of seven sentences. Although Mr. Bush did state that the federal government had appropriated $85 billion to the Gulf Coast, conventional wisdom holds: we’ll wait until the check clears. On a related note, the local news reported that the Army Corps of Engineers are threatening to stop trash pickup in New Orleans so that they can focus on construction efforts. Unfortunately, the City of New Orleans is not prepared to resume trash collection at this time. Although this may seem like a strictly local issue, if New Orleans is without trash collection services during Mardi Gras, the whole region—and quite possibly, the nation, depending on the wind—will be smelling the effects.

Perhaps because it was the State of the Union address, President Bush did appeal for greater cooperation amongst the two parties in Washington. That bipartisan politics is driving a wedge between the American people is no secret. I do admire Mr. Bush’s choice to wear a blue tie as a peace offering to the Democrats and blue-state denizens. However, seating audience members by party might be reinforcing the separation between the red and the blue. As well, they should probably remove the APPLAUSE signs above the stage indicating to the separate parties when they should rise en masse to support their partisan agenda points during the speech. Although I could not see what the audience members were looking at, I imagine that they were treated to high-tech signs lit up with a blue donkey kicking at the red elephant, and a elephant drenching the donkey with spray from its trunk.

The Democrats responded fairly predictably, reminding us of administration failures and using religious language to remind us of their own strong ethics. I can surmise that their choice of Virginia’s governor Tim Kaine, who’s only held office for two weeks, indicates the Democrats’ desire to be seen in a fresh light. Physically, Mr. Kaine was an excellent choice, proving to be as ethnic-looking as a white man gets, with a faint five-o’clock shadow and rakish, albeit mismatched, eyebrows. With Mr. Kaine’s background in missionary service, I believe we may have a presidential contender on our hands. I was also interested to learn that the Hispanic mayor of Los Angeles summarized and probably refuted Bush’s speech in Spanish for his own constituency there. Whether or not Señor Mayor touched on the potentially-explosive political implications for Mexico if we become an Ethanol Nation remains to be seen. If anyone out there is acquainted with him, please feel free to forward him my address.

On that note, I shall now close with a hearty thank you for your time and attention. Now more than ever, it is a challenge to be a proud American, but we all need to do our part to keep this nation from bulldozing the world. Recycle your cans, stay informed, and pray for peace.